Every time, every memory, there’s a nagging feeling of uncertainty.
Being in a group of people who seems to be genuine happy.
The fact that remains to be seen if you are really a part of the happiness…

Or not.

It started when I was in highschool. I was friends with the coolest group of kids and I thought I was accepted as one of them. We did not do anything nasty, just hang out at lunch time and talking about stupid things about crushes and loves.

I believe I am a gracious friend, a kind friend. I listened, I help out if needed and give advise if asked — or not.

When I said it started in highschool, it really did start then and there. I’ve finally noticing things that my consious is trying to prevent.

I was never invited.

Some friends they are.

Oh, but the funny thing is that I still stayed with them, because I thought they were my friends. I have accepted that I may not be the preetiest, or the most famous or even the smartest in the group — but I have loyalties and I abide them.

I wasn’t expecting that loyalties will stab me in the back, through my very heart.

It was approaching Christmas when it happened. I wanted to give them all a present, a small artwork of their favorite cartoon. A couple of my friends are my classmates and I have asked how many are we in the group.

“Are you part of the group?” she asked.

I felt my face blushed and then paled with what she had said. I thanked her and proceed to scrap the work that I had been trying to do. It was an effort that I don’t want to waste on people who doesn’t really think about my benefit. I started to become cynical and preferred to be alone in the library, wallowing at the book of texts that transport me from one world to another.

Do you think it stopped there?

Oh, in a college, someone tried to bad mouth me into submission — thinking I can forego my principles just because she said so. She also tried to seduce my then significant other, which backfired terribly. It was the only funny thing that reminded me in that incident.

In my first job, I assumed that joining the group of people every lunch time means you are part of the group. I guess I am not part of it and whatever plans that they have concocted while I was in the table with them means nothing. It was the surprise of the HR head when asked me why I wasn’t with them.

“Beacause I wasn’t invited” is what I echoed in the silent bathroom and smiled.

My second job is more promising, I get along really with a lot of people.

Well, I guess that is what I supposed to think as they are all nice. Let’s not forget the badmouthing but we all know humans are like that, right?

And here I am, looking at the same scenario over again.

My heart can not take it anymore. It is always bleeding and full of holes of people I have believed to be people who had accepted me. My changes have been drastic from highschool, and no one still accepts me for who I am.

This is forever in my burdens and hopefully when the time comes that I can finally let it go.



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